Hi everyone, I posted an episode to my podcast, FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH MONTY!. Click this link to check it out: Friday Night Live - TEEN DREAM-A-PALOOZA! - FridayNiteLive

I always forget to come here, if only to check up on posts from two or three people (and Zero, WHERE ARE YOU, man?).

Time and words that I would've spent here, once upon a time, are now spent on The Blog. It's not bad--I get paid to write book reviews over there AND I just got a tentative offer for some freelance writing, if the guy (who offered me the job) gets a particular contract.
So that's cool.

I am glad that I've kept this space, though; there are things that I lock away here (you didn't know that, did you?) which I choose not to share with the people who read my blog. Usually because it's about one of them. :)

BUT. (shameful--shameless?--self promotion follows)

If you should want to catch up with me, most of you know you can find me RIGHT HERE, and on my radio show every Friday night at 9pm CST (10pm EST) on Empire Radio.

Podcasts can be found either here OR here...at least the ones podomatic didn't eat a couple weeks ago during The Big Site Crash.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write a private post. Because people just piss me off.

mood: blank

Just in case you missed my show last night...



You can download it. Plus any other shows you've missed.

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I have nearly met my first goal ($500) for the Blogathon.
C'mon, people, there's a White Girl Rap on the line here. I'm thinking...Beastie Boys.
Maybe.

(Perhaps you've forgotten what a terrible, awful, really bad singer I am)

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Want to hear last year's Blogathon Bribe Payoff Songs?
Check 'em out RIGHT HERE.

**Cross-posted at http://brain-soup.blogspot.com



Tomorrow is the first big Blogathon push for publicity. I'm getting a little jump start.

First, two things for you to look at:
2006 Big-Ass List Of Sponsors
and
2006 Bribe Payoff Songs, including the infamous "White Girl Rap".

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In case you hadn't heard yet, my Blogathon charity is United Cerebral Palsy. My son is severely affected by CP, so I can tell you from my own experience how wonderful UCP is.
They provide equipment such as wheelchairs and communication boards, along with many other types of assistive technology.
They also help provide services such as housing, therapy, assistive technology training, early intervention programs, individual and family support, social and recreation programs, community living, state and local referrals, employment assistance and advocacy.
My family and my son's school have reaped the benefits of the UCP commitment.

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You should all know, if you're regular readers here, that I am not above begging and bribery.

Now, my first goalpost is $500 in pledges, for which I will sing another "White Girl Rap".

How can YOU help?

I'm ever so glad you've asked!
It's simple.
1. SPONSOR ME! It takes only a few seconds to sign up with your email address--and don't worry, you won't get all spammed out.
Pledge now, pay later! If you can afford to pledge $5, then please pledge $5. If you can afford more...well, you get the idea.
AFTER I complete the Blogathon, you'll be sent a little email reminder. That's it. It's all on the honor system, baby. And I know you're honorable, or we wouldn't be friends, right? (you can also remain anonymous, if you like-drop me an email!)

2. YOU send your pledge $$ directly to the Charity! No middleman. No chance of misappropriated funds. You know how you have that "Donate" button on your blog, so your readers can give YOU money for...whatever? Latte? New shoes? Magazines? Here's your chance to do something really fantastic with that money.

3. GET THE WORD OUT! You love me, don't you? Yes, I thought that you did. Perhaps you could show the love by pimping me and my cause out on your blogs, because you have all those wonderful, generous readers. (and it doesn't cost you a single thing, PLUS it will earn you plenty of love and gratitude from moi)

4. PICK A CHARITY, ANY CHARITY! You don't want to sponsor me & my charity? That's A-OKAY!! There are dozens of fabulous bloggers out there raising money for other terrific charities! I'm sponsoring some of the other bloggers myself, because I believe in what we're doing. I believe that we can help. I believe that you can make a difference.

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Now, to the begging:

Please please please consider sponsoring me in this great cause. Or at least consider sponsoring a blogger who's raising money for a charity that you're very interested in.
Please please please open your hearts, open your wallets, and make a difference in someone's life.
Please.
Pretty please?
With sugar on top?

AND you'll get your own nifty little spot over there on the sidebar! Where everyone will see you and say "HEY! What an incredibly generous fellow/lady!"

AND you can help yourself to one of these:




Srsly, does it get any better than that? I think not.

C'mon, you don't want to get shown up by last year's sponsors, do you?? :)

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I love you.
Pass it on.

mood: awake

Don't let it be said that YOU were the only one who missed it:
Double-Shot Friday Night!



Want more? Listen here.

Just do it.

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You know, people who rank on something just because they don't find it appealing or because they find it unacceptable...well, those people are small, immature, nasty little assclowns and could stand a good ass-whippin'.

I'd love to be the one to administer it...failing that, I'd like to be around to witness it.

mood: bitchy music: Freedom '90 - George Michael

but first...A Shameful Confession:
Sometimes when I have a really bad nightmare-you know, the kind where you wake up with your heart racing and you look around wildly, disoriented--I go back to sleep...
...with the lamp on.

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When my daughter read the Little House on the Prairie series of books, she started calling me Ma.
Of course, when I was young and I read Little Women, I started calling my mom "Marmee".
And after I read "Mommie Dearest"...well, I started calling my mom "Mommie Dearest". I still do sometimes. Then she threatens me with Bon Ami.

ANYWAY. Back to the point.

We've finally moved past the "Ma" phase.

Now she calls me "Mum".
Evidently I'm raising a Brit.

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Yesterday afternoon I told my daughter that we could have fast food for lunch (I was working and...well...too lazy to cook), as long as it was something inexpensive.

SHE: Is Mazzio's expensive?
ME: Oh yes, WAY too much money.
SHE: How about Long John Silver's?
ME: Well, that's pretty expensive too. Try again.
SHE: How about we go see what Grandma's got? 'Cause that's priceless.
ME *giggle*

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TUNE IT IN. TURN IT UP!
MONTY DOES MOJO.
8PM CST Tonight.
(that's 6pm in California, 9pm on the New York side)

What's playing tonight? HINT: GIRL POWER! and a Halloween Contest.


Be there if you wanna hang with the cool kids.

TUNE IT IN HERE or maybe even HERE.

Come and CHAT!

Please SEND REQUESTS, DEDICATIONS, ETC HERE.
OH and in case you wanted to listen...
here's last Sunday's LOOOOOOOOOVE show. Scroll down to Monty's Show #4.
It's in two parts for right now, so make sure you get part 1 first, mmkay?

**UPDATE: shit, I forgot that the podplayer doesn't work in LiveJournal.

CLICK HERE to get to last Sunday's show.
You'll be glad you did.

Okay, so I had this bizarre dream the other night that I was standing around at a cocktail party or something with a big bunch of you and EVERYONE WAS USING CHATSPEAK.

You may wonder how, if we were having spoken conversation, I knew that they were using the loathed and reviled chatspeak.

Because everyone had FLUFFY WHITE SPEECH BALLOONS drifting out of their mouths and I could see the chatspeak.

It was awful.

See, this silvery white blob would drift out of your mouths, and then fill wi+# r3d L3++3rz 0f c#4+ 5p3aK.

I was entranced by the speech bubbles and until I deciphered what you were trying to say by reading it, I couldn't understand what you were speaking.

It was all...gobbledygook.

Weird.

Whoever threw that party? Please do not ever invite me again.
Thank you.
That is all.

INTERESTED IN realizing your dream of becoming DJ OF YOUR OWN RADIO SHOW??
Leave me a comment. I'll put you in touch with the Gal In Charge.

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NOW...click the banner.
Then click "Monty Does Mojo".
You'll be glad you did.

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Next week's theme? Love songs, in a whole new way.

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SUNDAY. 8PM Central Time.
(that's 6pm California time, 9pm on the New York side)

TUNE IT IN. TURN IT UP.
MONTY DOES MOJO.


(tune in 24 hours/day for the best music!)

Say, then you can brag to all your friends in the locker room how you spent the night with Monty.

Send requests, dedications, picks and pans, blog ads, whatev, TO THIS PLACE RIGHT HERE.

Come and join us IN THE FORUM. Sometimes funny things happen on the way there (hyuk hyuk).

COME ON, PEOPLE. You know you want to hear it.

Have you ever pretended to be talking on your cell phone in order to avoid conversation with someone...

....and then been totally busted when the phone actually rang?

Oh.

Yeah no, me neither.
I was just wondering.
Mmmm hmmm.

music: Sky High ~ Jigsaw

So okay.
Some days single parenting isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Wait.
Let me re-phrase that, because I don't think it's cracked up to be all that great. I don't remember thinking, as a child, "When I grow up I want to be a princess or a veterinarian or a single mom!"
Nope.

Nearly every time I start writing a post about things of this nature they end up disappearing with a click of the DELETE button because they sound all whiny and complain-y to my eyes.
And MAN that shit gets on my nerves.

Mostly I'm happy (or at least content) with my lot in life, but some days this whole motherhood gig starts getting a little ragged around the edges.
Especially when there's no backup person. You know?
Somedays I just want to call for backup.

Today was one of those rare days when I wished that I was 16 again and my biggest problems were how high to style my hair (I had a 'poodle' perm, so HIGH), what shade of shimmery blue eyeshadow to wear (frosted midnight blue), whether or not I'd got the lead in that semester's play (yes), and if my boyfriend John H. was going to pick me up after school so we could go "drive around" (read: make out) before I had to go to work.

I did not get my wish.

So I present to you "Monty's Terrible, Awful, Very Bad Day"

This is what happens in your brain right before it short-circuits.

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I woke up feeling ick, not really bad, just ick, you know? and to top that off I woke up late as well and crampy even though I skipped a period and it STILL hasn't shown up but my back hurt too and then I had NO COFFEE IN THE HOUSE and had to stumble to the shower with NO COFFEE and try to rush around and get dressed with half-open eyes and wake my daughter up so SHE could get dressed and she totally crawled out on the wrong side of the bed because she was rotten rotten rotten and every time I said anything to her, mostly "HURRY UP WE'RE RUNNING LATE", she gave me A LOOK like I had two heads or something and after a minute THAT LOOK was really starting to piss me off and I yelled something like "IMA BLISTER YOUR ASS if you don't get in gear!" because it had already taken more than 15 minutes to get two socks and ONLY ONE SHOE on because she fart-asses around and messes with her socks until I want to shake her and then she did THE LOOK at me again so I smacked her on top of the head when I went by and told her she'd better watch her Ps and Qs, Missy and then I'm still trying to get my SON awake and bathed...because I can't bathe him at night because he sweats and is stinky by morning anyway plus he wears a diaper so I can't send him to school smelling like pee, can I? and so HE is cranky too and he screeched and tried to bite me when I was taking his PJs off so he could go in the tub and he stiffened up so I couldn't get his shirt off and so I YELLED yes I YELLED at him to STOP IT because he was MAKING MOMMY VERY MAD and then I finally got him bathed and dressed and went to mix up his food and discovered that I was out of several of the veggies I needed (and yes I know I should have done it the night before but for once I didn't so shut your cakehole) and I didn't have time to go to the store before the bus came and MEANWHILE my daughter STILL DID NOT HAVE HER OTHER FUCKING SHOE ON so I yelled again and told her NO GAMEBOY or TV today and then I was rushing to get my shoes when I stubbed my toe and RIPPED THE TOENAIL OFF MY BABY TOE and unleashed a long string of cursewords that are best not repeated even if I COULD duplicate it all which I can't and so I hopped around trying not to cry and hollering nonsensical cursewords while my children stared at me, round eyed, and then the bus came and my son went to school without breakfast because I SUCK as a mother and DHS should probably come take my kids away anyhow and then I sent my daughter a-walkin' to school and she evidently forgave my bad behavior because she did our ritual look-back-wave-kiss-blow when she got a little down the street and so that made me feel better but then I had to rush to the grocery store to get the missing veggies (and I FORGOT TO GET COFFEE WHILE I WAS THERE) and then make up Bubby's food and drive it to his school, so I was late for work anyway, and then I had to TURN AROUND AND GO BACK HOME because I'd left my work there and needed to take it to the studio so then I was really late for work and guess what I STILL HAD NO COFFEE and didn't want to take the time to stop which was actually sort of stupid since I was already late but I didn't want to be any later and then my head was hurting and I still felt ick and wanted to go back to bed but then I got to work and I think some other bad stuff happened that I didn't write down here but there was just so much of it that it got lost.

The end.

Thank God there are only 24 hours in a day

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I think if I were ever to try to be a writer, all my stories would come out sounding like that one. Just one long sentence.

You wouldn't want to miss part I of the $1K Blogathon payoff, would you?
I thought not.

BUFFY is here.

Laugh away...it is possibly THE WORST SINGING EVER.

No, I take that back. Possibly has nothing to do with it.

IT IS THE WORST SINGING EVER.
I'm okay with that.
Just don't be mean about it. It's meant to make you laugh.

mood: embarrassed

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Now, people, I need some help.

I've decided to do a weekly broadcast on my friend's internet radio station...it will be pre-recorded until such time as I stop clinging to my outmoded dial-up connection.

But still.

I need a name for the show. I'm thinking it may be on Sunday nights, but that isn't a certainty quite yet.

I could also use some cute taglines.

You've all got wonderfully creative brains (otherwise you would not be on my friends list, yes?)...so help me out a little. Por favor. And gracias. :D

...that I need for you to answer, please.
You might as well answer now, otherwise I'll just leave this post up until you do.

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"If you build it, they will come..."

1. If I did a weekly or twice-monthly internet radio broadcast, would you listen? (or at least download the podcast later?)(see how I cleverly snuck an extra question in there?)

2. Would you pay me in presents or sexual favors to pimp your blog on said broadcast? (You wanna be my ho'?)(you could even write your own "ad" copy!)

3. Would you send me e-mail that I could read on the broadcast?

4. Would you email me song requests?

5. Would you get up and dance around to the music I choose to play?

6. Would you change any of your answers (esp. #1) if I promise that there will be NO NO NO singing by me so that the show would remain listener friendly?

7. Does this blog make me look fat?

8. Did you know the correct answer to #7 is always an emphatic "NO!"?

9. Did you know that if you answered #7 with anything along the lines of "No, it's your ASS that makes you look fat", I would stab you with the nearest pointy thing?

10. If we build it, will you come? Or rather...if we broadcast it, will you listen?

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For those of you with ADD or just a really short attention span, please answer questions 1 through 4 only.

You may begin....NOW.

mood: tired music: What's The Difference? ~Russell Crowe, TOFOG

If you want to laugh at someone, come see me...http://akamonty.podomatic.com

The BLOGATHON is here!

JOIN ME, won't you?

mood: tired music: What's Her Name ~ TOFOG

Raise your right hand and repeat after me:
I pledge my money
To aka_monty
For donation to United Cerebral Palsy
And to all the people
for which they stand
One Foundation
Out of many
For the disabled
With love and compassion for all.
Sponsor Me!

I'm going to be blogging in BLOGATHON 2006
and my charity, in honor of my son, is United Cerebral Palsy Foundation.

PLEASE SHOW ME THE MONEY.
THANK YOU.
(no pledge too big or too small. I know you've got that $5 you were going to spend on smokes or cheap wine)

mood: calm music: Fever ~ Peggy Lee